All About The F Word

I feel complete and utter dread at the moment. It has taken me almost a year to put words to this and months since I made a promise in front of a room full of people that I wouldn’t chicken out on sharing this. I can’t be a hypocrite. I expect others to be courageous. Lead effectively, authentically and deliberately. But I’ve still been hiding out. Scared even. Feeling sort of like nothing good can come from this, sky is falling, walls are closing in, lungs are collapsing…. kind of like how I imagine I would feel walking into a crowd of people with your skirt tucked into your underwear and no one telling you for at least 10 steps into the crowded room (of course, this hypothetical room is filled with highly eligible bachelors too. Just my luck)! Okay, enough make-believe, you get the point. I’m incredibly uncomfortable. And if I had a bunch of money I would bet that I will be seething with embarrassment if I post... when I post this. Now I am even more uncomfortable because now I just told you I was uncomfortable. Shit. I’m “never” uncomfortable and by never I mean sometimes (okay, fine, so often or maybe always when we’re talking about the F word). You just probably didn’t know I’d felt that way ever and if you did, well I was probably in a weak state of mind and incredibly rare form. I don’t even let myself know when I’m uncomfortable because I stop it. I restrict. I avoid. I stop. I’m so wicked good at numbing emotion. I have this deeply talented Protector inside this body of mine. My stone-cold, secretly sensitive heart has been buried so deeply inside of me I didn’t know how to dig through the layers of counterfeit confidence, fragile strength and the titanium armor of simulated happiness. The smile and nod life style stopped working the last time I stepped off the cheer mat. And boy do I miss that cheer mat!  It was so easy to just turn the dial up to Super Girl Cheer Status and pretend all is well in the world no matter what I might be feeling. Like how one might pretend like you hadn’t lost a Mother suddenly and way too early, or had a Father who had been suffering for over a decade with severe depression & anxiety, then carrying the responsibility to figure out ways to help/provide/care for your small but mighty family (because who else will if you don’t?) or pretend that the man you saw as one of the strongest men in the world didn’t choose to end his life and then to feel like you had to take care of that now too. This isn’t a pity party, this isn’t an advice blog, but this is, for me, about this one and only human life we have.  The various journeys we find ourselves on and how incredibly challenging it might be to live authentically and fully alive no matter the situation.

We’ve all got something. Or a few somethings. No matter how awful or unexpected, there is always something worse and regardless of the severity of events that caused even the slightest ‘something’ it could easily lead us to turn the dial up on the hardening of that armor. I sure did! The armor got a little less malleable, a little tighter grip on the heart and a lot less open to the unknown, emotional, painful, scary and all things that can’t be logically thought through. These things were of no value or importance. You know... Fun. Relationships. Love.  (gasp... who needs that?) Kindness? Gratitude? Smiling? Adventure? Courage? Dreams?  For me, it became for as long as I can remember easier in these moments to go with the flow and just start to try to be “normal” and focus on what everyone wanted (or what I thought they wanted). Just follow the social norms, don’t look stupid or stand out, fail, make mistakes and just focus on standard procedures of this so called life. Seriously, did I just put something like an SOP to life!?  WTF. If there’s a person that’s EVER had a guide book and step-by-step instructions to how life is guaranteed to work, please God bring them to us! For the record, I know different things work for different people. By no means is this about advice, this is about moments along my journey. It’s personal to me. It’s uniquely mine and it’s important for me that I step further into it, challenging myself to keep freaking going. Embracing the very things that scare the living daylights out of me (like sharing something like this that’s so personal, vulnerable and honest and things I don’t really think anyone deserves to know...sharing in service of new learning and expanding my comfort zone just a little further).  It’s new, it’s clunky and wobbly, kind of how a baby takes their first few steps… back and forth between a crawl and a walk and probably taking a few spills along the way. That’s me… I’m in it and it feels messy, unknown, foreign and unfamiliar as I’m trying to figure out a way to think through, I mean, feel my effing Feelings. 

I wish I could put on my tennis shoes, favorite Buckeyes t-shirt and run to the nearest bar for a stiff drink to sterilize all this touchy feely, personal, and oh-so-emotional vulnerability. My heart is aching for a cure at the current moment. What exactly is this?  I almost feel embarrassed (already? I haven’t even hit the publish button on this blog post yet). You know that feeling when you know your skin is turning all different shades of red and you have a sudden feverishness coming over you? That’s this. I am clearly running a temperature. The more I notice how uncomfortable, the worse it gets….I might need a doctor soon!

I’ve been on an incredible journey. Incredible means hard in this case. Hard and totally worth every single difficult second.  I can say that now, because it feels like I might be at the edge of an old journey or the beginning of a new one and, let me tell you Friend, it is starting to be liberating. Freedom from constraints and one that feels like I am getting to be me; more of me and all of me! There have been so many hard, difficult, painstaking, dreadful moments in my past (yours too I am sure) but that was then. This is now! I’m painstakingly aware that there there’s more “hard” yet to come (like the rest of this excruciatingly personal post for instance)!  I’m wondering now, why exactly am I doing this to myself and sharing this with anyone? What’s this going to do for anyone? What do I want it to do?

Well. In this case. The what doesn’t matter. The why, however, does.

Sometimes the very things that you resist are the things you need the most. For me (I’ve painfully learned) and I am still learning, that vulnerability is towards the top of that list. Along with: Believing “it” (whatever “it” is) can and will be possible if I choose it. Being forgotten.   Pure confidence (not the kind that follows with a backhanded self-deprecating putdown “oh but I’m terrible at…(nearly everything else).” Speaking up when I’m hurt. (Like I get hurt… sheesh…ok..ok. kidding. See, that Fierce one always wants to chime in!) Understanding why I get hurt. Love. (That’s probably there too if I’m honest. Who am I kidding, I couldn’t even say or write the word a couple years ago…L.O.V.E.  Done. Boom. Still Alive. (thank God!)  Asking for help (that might get two points or 10 in my case. Having an opinion that might not be well received or agreed upon (slight tendency to please when it comes to some things.. because, they may not like me or want me around. What if they find the Real me out? Shit.) Not being liked. Looking stupid (ugh.. that’s the worst. I. am. smart. um...right?). Saying something stupid. (Dang it, blogging feels stupid..… me a writer ha?! No one wants to hear from ME.)

You probably get it. The internal churn (and burn), self-doubt, lack of personal accountability.  The constant back and forth of what Should be. Could Be or Would Be …. If only I were anything but what I am… skinnier, prettier, wealthier, healthier, stronger, smarter, taller, shorter, happier, more loving, likeable, more caring, softer, kinder, more grateful, less sensitive..etc. You see.  This is not WHO I am (or who you are) but we get so caught don’t we? We get caught by the paralyzing ‘Case of the Shoulds’. Sometimes we live there our whole lives, feeling bad, guilty, worried, insecure, fearful, unworthy instead of what we want. So, how big and bad is your Case of the Shoulds? If you catch yourself saying “I should do/be, etc. more often than not, it might be a good time to check in with your big bad self and see what others see (or don’t see)“ and what’s important for you in it?

The what doesn’t matter. The Why does.

So, why?

I need this. My Why is because I believe life is so much more than following a list of should do’s, social norms, a long fancy resume or showing up on Facebook and all things social media every Friday and Saturday night with a new shirt, sparkly earrings and the best arm-hip pose possible. My Why is because I believe I am here to do something Big. The What hardly matters anymore. There’s a lot of ways I can do Big things in the world… the question isn’t what it is but Why. 

I believe that life begins at the edge of your comfort zone (and I’m pretty sure that’s a famous quote.. I’m not stealing anything as my own here, I just don’t feel like looking up the author!) I am relentlessly after a life of aliveness and, for me, that means I have got to get out of my effing HEAD. That Brilliant-Superwoman-MIND crafted Protector of all things vulnerable, unknown, embarrassing, sad, painful, weak, raw and genuine human emotion. There’s a lot wrapped up into all of this for me… but what’s your why? I’m not talking about the “my kids/spouse/family/dog is my world, I live for them” kind of thing…of COURSE you do AND… you also have YOU..(if you’re thinking this is selfish, it probably is, but what I’ve discovered, for me, is that the more I know my WHY the more I serve those I Love today and will love tomorrow. I am more to my faith, my Values, my World... The World. The more of ME I am, the more they get and I GIVE! “Sometimes you have to be selfish in order to be selfless.”  Wouldn’t you want your best friend, parent, spouse, children to want to be the very best version of who they are, to live in full aliveness without a case of the Shoulds, Coulds or Woulds that suffocates their beauty, strength and power because of some made-up version of what they think is right?  I bet they’d want that for you too. In the last year I had others who barely knew me want that for me. It was irrevocably the most transformative experience to have someone else want more fir Me. The real me...Fierce and Patient Relentlessly Alive Energy. Passionate. Loving. Caring. Strong. Grateful. Fun. Happy. Honest. Courageous. Trusting in the Unknown. Believing in the intangibles.

So… What’s your Why? 

Your heart beats... WHY?

I am here, in this very moment with you to do something big. I still don’t know what that “big” is… but I know that through some level of my existence my soft sensitive stone-cold titanium armored heart wants this so much it is willing to be agonizingly uncomfortable, so that if at least one glimmer a case of the Shoulds gets turned into a case of the Desires, Visions, Loves, Passions, Hopes, Values, Dreams and that for one of those turns into a moment of a life that brings more aliveness in that moment and that thought, that person and the world will be better because of it. That’s big, and, so very small. It is, for me, when the ordinary is extraordinary. The meaningful moments that make our cherished memories, the ones that shape us, shift us, move us and change the world one moment at a time. We don’t have to be Gandhi, Mother Teresa, MLK, Abraham Lincoln or among the highest ranking C-suite executives… we do have to (and get to) be Us. You. Me….Perfectly Imperfect and Uniquely You.

Over two years ago I started a journey I was firmly and confidently not believing I would do a single thing for this recovering know-it-all, do-it-yourselfer that doesn’t need anyone else’s help.  I was so resistant to new ways of thinking and being. I was excruciatingly close minded and naively unaware. Then, I made decisions that started to change the outside too. I started working all angles to discover, understand, and feel… like a masterfully crafted puzzle that’s never fully complete, the pieces started to fit together. Each new moment positive or negative has been part of this lifelong work in progress. I’ll always be on my journey. You will too. There’s this moment though when you look around, check in with yourself, your heart and you realize… I’m more me now than I ever was before. I’m no longer hiding in the titanium suit of armor built for World War III around my heart, but with each chance, each battle, every haunting case of the “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not worth it” or “should have, could haves"… I get to choose otherwise. I know now what I didn’t know then. I know it in a way that’s part of me, I feel it, I don’t think it. Still, I don’t always choose perfectly well or even right, but it’s a choice point that regardless of the what, it can get me closer to my Why. That’s what this is about.

As another Memorial Day came and went, all I could think about are all the brave souls, the hearts that have stopped beating and the hearts that beat with the heavy weight of the loss of a loved one that’s served our country. Then I thought about all the other ways of honoring and remembering those who are impacted by loss, those who have passed away from illness, suicide, or accident and all I could feel was how fragile and limited our time is and how many of them would want us, the Beating Hearts, to keep fiercely committed to our entire journey. Find our Why. Write it down. Tell the world or maybe start with just your friend or heck, just tell your dog (I do) but not to let go of the discovering of it and/or let fear take over. If it’s scary, it’s real and it’s probably exactly where you’re supposed to be!

I’m learning so much and yet there’s a mountain of mystery ahead. Regardless, I am full of so much love, more than I’ve ever recognized being capable of feeling and I can only imagine what’s yet to come. I am finally feeling my heart. My wickedly talented Protector is still here, but a little less forceful and a lot less in control. An impact that shifted, that created transformation and opened this new world for me right before my eyes. We have this One and Only Life. We can’t do anything for anyone we truly Love today or will Love in the future if we can’t do this for ourselves today. Why are you here? My heart will crawl before it walks and walk before it runs, but the pace is picking up and soon the first step will have been a moment along the journey and one that I’ll look back and wish I’d had the courage to begin a long time ago. I love the saying “90 Days from Today you’ll wish you’d started today” This can be used for anything and the time frame doesn’t really matter… think about it. Health. Relationships. Weight loss. Love. Honesty. Careers. Dreams. Every day I am deliberately working on wasting no more moments…living with the reality of disappointments, failures, pain, hurt, love, passion, faith, energy, courage and ultimately those plus a whole lot more grows this gift of aliveness that comes from being fortunate to have a Beating Heart for as long (or as short) as we do but as relentlessly deliberate and intentional as possible! I’m the author of my story and I plan to write the ending by having the courage to fully live and honor each chapter along the way.