The Fear of Forever

It seems so hypocritical of me to be so afraid of something I’ve wanted so badly for most of my life. Since I can remember I dreamed of having a husband, a life partner and someone to “have my back” when I needed it most. I’ve spent most of my adolescent and adult years not really feeling that support system, sure I’ve had amazing family and friends, but it’s different when there’s someone choosing to love you that isn’t a blood relative or someone who’s known you from an early age… someone who loves you for who you are now and not just what you were before all the chaos and traumatic life events. Someone who’s chosen the proverbial broken version of yourself you are today… I say that lightly because I know I’m whole, probably more complete than I’ve ever been but only because I have both joy and pain, the scars, the chaos, the hurt, the loss, the love, the excitement, the accomplishments… they are all part of the wholeness in my life now. I may not  have seen it that way just a few short years ago… the pain was dark, and hidden and when it arrived it was anger versus learning, when I felt it, it was shame instead of appreciation.  I’ve grown through it, with it and because of it not in spite of it or because I could avoid it.

 

So, here I am, embarking upon a journey that I really never thought I’d be on. Dreams that are so attractive I can see why one gets lost in the hype and forgets the meaning of this journey. Sure, there’s a wedding, a dress some rings, lots of friends but there’s also a life together that’s about to be the real outcome of this step. When the lights go out at the end of the night, the party has ended and the new life has begun. I’m happy and afraid at the same exact time. I’ve not been given a smooth road to walk on with this new journey of a future with someone else… there’s been bumps in the road, some of my doing and some not.  My tendency for even a little pebble in my path of this very scary next step has been to run backwards away from the mini road block no matter how small or large… however, something happened to me. Something bigger than just loving another person, something more than just wanting them in my life and my family, something I can’t really explain… there’s a synergy that’s new.  A new aliveness that when I’m out of my fear and into my whole self embracing both the love and pain, the hope and faith, then I am complete in that very moment. With him, not because of this person, they aren’t responsible for that but because I made a choice to engage in the act of loving and being loved.

I ask of my sweet God and Guardian Angels, give me the strength to overcome this fear. The crippling unknowing of marriage and the worry of what the future will bring is all consuming.  To be successful, I will have to trust again. I know that marriage is a very tough battle and I believe it’s one worth fighting, but to be clear I’m tired of fighting through life. I want to relish in the glory of this new step and not fear the challenge that I’m about to embark upon. You hardly meet a bride-to-be that’s not glowing from head to toe or giddy of her upcoming big white dress… the thing is… that’s not what my wedding will be to me and anyone who’s in my corner of the planet will totally get that it’s bigger than a bouquet of flowers, shiny diamond ring and a handsome man standing at the altar waiting to take your hand (although, let me tell you he's pretty appealing).  How do you manage the fear of forever? For me, I won’t be worried about my lipstick as much as I’ll be thinking about the choice we’re making to each other and the depth of our choice of commitment, respect, trust, passion and support of each other for the rest of our lives. Love may very well just be the action we use to describe all those other elements and it might be the very least important of them all. Here's to the next step in this journey, full of fear, pain, love  and all the other things with this unrelenting excitement.