This is Life
Yet another year is preparing to close the door to the most recent chapter of this book of life. All I can do is wonder, how do we really pass our time? The years go faster, the hours become days, weeks then months have disappeared in our rearview mirror without much awareness of where our precious moments have gone. My moments are so precious. There's never enough time, but why do I continue to let it pass so absent mindedly? Without intention and purpose, it just fades into history. I was reminded in an abrupt jolt having lost yet another family member unexpectedly. Death is waiting for all of us. It's the one truth I know about life. I've had so many of these reminders, yet I fall victim to the fleeting hours of the days and the "normal" routine that I too forget to stand fully present in the moments, the memories that will soon be forgotten and the meaning behind this one and only life.
It was supposed to be the year. I'd started making some shifts, got certified as a life coach after two long years of dreaming of it. So I was on top of game at the start of this new year. I'd already conquered a weight loss journey where I thought losing 30 pounds would solve all my life problems. It didn't. I lost the weight. (Awesome!) I kept a lot of it off for a year. (Can't believe it!) I gained 20 pounds back (WTF!?) So, I failed? (Yet again.) Or did I? More to come on that...
I made a huge mistake not long after my rockstar (so I thought) start to 2014 kicked off. (And no, this wasn't the 20 pounds I gained because that didn't happen until later in the year.) This mistake had me questioning my identity, my values, my life, my purpose, my, literally, everything. I didn't make bad decisions, especially not these kind. I had a self-image that was defined by having all my shit together no matter what. I was, in fact a few months into my 30th year... and 30 year olds just shouldn't make mistakes, right? So, I did what I do best. I destroyed myself. I was my own worst enemy. I had no kind words, thoughts or actions for the one person I will spend the rest of my life with. How could I be so cruel to the one person that has been with me every second of every minute and will be, forever? I don't get to replace myself. I'm stuck with her and I was verbally abusing her with every thought possible. Ever been your own worst critic?
Then, it become clear. Us humans, we're so bad at taking care of ourselves. Truly loving who we are when no one else is looking is a very tall order. I didn't even know I needed that prescription, but over the course of this past year it became evident that I needed to find me. Care about me. I needed to love me. The good, the bad and the ugly. I needed to help myself so I could help everyone else I cared so deeply about in my life today and those who will come in my life in the future. Did I want my children to see the self-hate I gave myself? To feel it for themselves? Hell No! It's was time for work. Hard work. Work I didn't want to do.
The journey had began without my conscious awareness... but it most certainly began. I scoop the self-destructed pieces of my heart back up one by one and decided to figure it out. I always do, right? Oh that figure outer in me just cannot stand to not have the answers and so her and I wrestled through it for a few months. Blow after blow, aimlessly seeking the answer to this BIG life question, who am I? And how do I love her?
Do you know who you are? We all think we do until someone asks you the effing question and you freeze in your footsteps. Or I did at least. Stuck. No answer to that question and I did what any moderately intelligent, educated professional and life coach would do... I freaked out. I didn't have an effing answer! I was a daughter. Sister. Friend (I hoped). Leader. Professional. College graduate. None of these answers were the answer... they never will be. This is not WHO I am (or who you are). These are a lot of "what" answers. Yes, I'm a daughter, sister, friend...etc. However the "who" becomes more complicated. The who is about the uniqueness that is deep in our soul. The energy we create by our existence without any materials or labels. This, my friend, will forever be one of the most difficult questions I've ever tried to answer. Will I ever have the answer? I don't know, but I am relentlessly committed to continuing to ask myself to define who I am. Because I want to live intentionally. I want to positively impact those who are around me. Bring them joy and love. Because I want others to live with purpose, fully aware of themselves and their gifts and loving each of the imperfections they live with just as much as their greatest strengths. That is living.
I wanted guidelines, a step-by-step process for how exactly you live life fully, authentically from who you really are. I'm a life coach. I have a life coach. And we still need coached on living life. This is what led me to the path of the most recent discovery, really, it took me nearly a full 12 months but I was given a few surprises this past month where I just let go and acted like myself (who ever that is). I quickly received positive feedback. I noticed that others are drawn to you because when you are you, they get to be them. What a gift you can give all the people in you lives by granting permission to be open and free to be themselves. How would your relationships and interactions be different if you let your guard down? If you stopped worrying about what to say, how to look, who likes you, what you're afraid of and you just went for it in your most authentic self?
Authenticity is the key, which brings me back to the fact that I gained 20 pounds of my 30 I lost. It took a year to lose, an about 90 days to gain back. (Talk about angry and self-hate!) Oh man all that extra chocolate really changed my life thought?! (Ugh... did I say this made me very angry!) I let go of the vision because none of my life problems were resolved by having lost all that weight. I was supposed to be happier. To be more lovable. I was supposed to wake up with this new, thinner, leaner body and my world would be magically changed. Well, shit doesn't work that way. Life doesn't work that way. The best gift was gaining the weight back. (gasp! I can't believe I feel that way now!) Because, in all my self-loathing, I had to find another way to figure out who I was. It most definitely didn't have to do with the external gratification of weight loss. It was all about my beliefs about life, who I was and how I demonstrated authenticity...regardless of how much I weighed. This was huge. This is life teaching me about living.
A little more aware, a little more conscious. I reflect back to before the additional 20lbs came back, one of my favorite days of this past year and hold onto that feeling when I need a reminder.. in July I was reading my last blog OUT LOUD (eek!) to a group of about 10-12 professionals, mostly coaches, who were attending a certification Brené Brown's The Daring Way program. We were challenged to creatively share our definition of authenticity. Some acted things out, some created posters, some did interpretive dance, read chapters from their books...etc. I decided to read the entire blog post from May "All about the F word". To give you a clue on what this was like, because I know you don't know how petrified I was yet, I can barely even read the blog to myself without bursting into a million emotions of fear, sadness, discomfort, embarrassment, humiliation, vulnerability, insecurity.... you get the drift. This was hard. My entire body shook like a nervous school girl the whole time. I was fighting back the pit in my throat and the flood gate of hell in the form of tears after every word. Took me 12 minutes I think. (I write too much, clearly). Then, the most unbelievable thing happened... they were all in tears. They were all standing and clapping and crying... for me. A small but mighty standing ovation for my words, my spewed thoughts in the form of a blog post that I shamefully question why I even write every time I write something. This is living. This is who I am.
I was afraid yet courageous. I did not let fear stop me but instead drive me. I found out that day that your biggest fears are often masks for your biggest dreams. Find the fear. Feel it and face it. There will be one of your greatest life gifts right on the other side of it.
So, that brings me to the closing of this year. I made mistakes. A lot of them this year. I also felt more alive and like myself than I have in a long time. I'm still learning how to let go. How to be who I am all the time. It'll be a lifelong journey but I finally catch myself when I start to treat myself like my worst enemy. I notice my insecurities and try hard to share them, learn from them, talk about them and confront them. I am not defined by my weaknesses but driven by my strengths. We are all imperfect. We will always be. We were born this way. We will die that way. Though if we're willing to dance the rapids in life, live as bravely and courageously as our beating hearts will allow... we will live. We will do it all. We will not look back and say "I wished I would have... " I am grateful for all the mistakes, the learning, all the love and care I was given from others when I wouldn't give it to myself and most importantly this new awareness of my heart. It beats. I keep living. I want it all. I want this life to be fully lived for you, for me and for all those who touch our lives each day. Cheers 2014!
It was supposed to be the year. I'd started making some shifts, got certified as a life coach after two long years of dreaming of it. So I was on top of game at the start of this new year. I'd already conquered a weight loss journey where I thought losing 30 pounds would solve all my life problems. It didn't. I lost the weight. (Awesome!) I kept a lot of it off for a year. (Can't believe it!) I gained 20 pounds back (WTF!?) So, I failed? (Yet again.) Or did I? More to come on that...
I made a huge mistake not long after my rockstar (so I thought) start to 2014 kicked off. (And no, this wasn't the 20 pounds I gained because that didn't happen until later in the year.) This mistake had me questioning my identity, my values, my life, my purpose, my, literally, everything. I didn't make bad decisions, especially not these kind. I had a self-image that was defined by having all my shit together no matter what. I was, in fact a few months into my 30th year... and 30 year olds just shouldn't make mistakes, right? So, I did what I do best. I destroyed myself. I was my own worst enemy. I had no kind words, thoughts or actions for the one person I will spend the rest of my life with. How could I be so cruel to the one person that has been with me every second of every minute and will be, forever? I don't get to replace myself. I'm stuck with her and I was verbally abusing her with every thought possible. Ever been your own worst critic?
Then, it become clear. Us humans, we're so bad at taking care of ourselves. Truly loving who we are when no one else is looking is a very tall order. I didn't even know I needed that prescription, but over the course of this past year it became evident that I needed to find me. Care about me. I needed to love me. The good, the bad and the ugly. I needed to help myself so I could help everyone else I cared so deeply about in my life today and those who will come in my life in the future. Did I want my children to see the self-hate I gave myself? To feel it for themselves? Hell No! It's was time for work. Hard work. Work I didn't want to do.
The journey had began without my conscious awareness... but it most certainly began. I scoop the self-destructed pieces of my heart back up one by one and decided to figure it out. I always do, right? Oh that figure outer in me just cannot stand to not have the answers and so her and I wrestled through it for a few months. Blow after blow, aimlessly seeking the answer to this BIG life question, who am I? And how do I love her?
Do you know who you are? We all think we do until someone asks you the effing question and you freeze in your footsteps. Or I did at least. Stuck. No answer to that question and I did what any moderately intelligent, educated professional and life coach would do... I freaked out. I didn't have an effing answer! I was a daughter. Sister. Friend (I hoped). Leader. Professional. College graduate. None of these answers were the answer... they never will be. This is not WHO I am (or who you are). These are a lot of "what" answers. Yes, I'm a daughter, sister, friend...etc. However the "who" becomes more complicated. The who is about the uniqueness that is deep in our soul. The energy we create by our existence without any materials or labels. This, my friend, will forever be one of the most difficult questions I've ever tried to answer. Will I ever have the answer? I don't know, but I am relentlessly committed to continuing to ask myself to define who I am. Because I want to live intentionally. I want to positively impact those who are around me. Bring them joy and love. Because I want others to live with purpose, fully aware of themselves and their gifts and loving each of the imperfections they live with just as much as their greatest strengths. That is living.
I wanted guidelines, a step-by-step process for how exactly you live life fully, authentically from who you really are. I'm a life coach. I have a life coach. And we still need coached on living life. This is what led me to the path of the most recent discovery, really, it took me nearly a full 12 months but I was given a few surprises this past month where I just let go and acted like myself (who ever that is). I quickly received positive feedback. I noticed that others are drawn to you because when you are you, they get to be them. What a gift you can give all the people in you lives by granting permission to be open and free to be themselves. How would your relationships and interactions be different if you let your guard down? If you stopped worrying about what to say, how to look, who likes you, what you're afraid of and you just went for it in your most authentic self?
Authenticity is the key, which brings me back to the fact that I gained 20 pounds of my 30 I lost. It took a year to lose, an about 90 days to gain back. (Talk about angry and self-hate!) Oh man all that extra chocolate really changed my life thought?! (Ugh... did I say this made me very angry!) I let go of the vision because none of my life problems were resolved by having lost all that weight. I was supposed to be happier. To be more lovable. I was supposed to wake up with this new, thinner, leaner body and my world would be magically changed. Well, shit doesn't work that way. Life doesn't work that way. The best gift was gaining the weight back. (gasp! I can't believe I feel that way now!) Because, in all my self-loathing, I had to find another way to figure out who I was. It most definitely didn't have to do with the external gratification of weight loss. It was all about my beliefs about life, who I was and how I demonstrated authenticity...regardless of how much I weighed. This was huge. This is life teaching me about living.
A little more aware, a little more conscious. I reflect back to before the additional 20lbs came back, one of my favorite days of this past year and hold onto that feeling when I need a reminder.. in July I was reading my last blog OUT LOUD (eek!) to a group of about 10-12 professionals, mostly coaches, who were attending a certification Brené Brown's The Daring Way program. We were challenged to creatively share our definition of authenticity. Some acted things out, some created posters, some did interpretive dance, read chapters from their books...etc. I decided to read the entire blog post from May "All about the F word". To give you a clue on what this was like, because I know you don't know how petrified I was yet, I can barely even read the blog to myself without bursting into a million emotions of fear, sadness, discomfort, embarrassment, humiliation, vulnerability, insecurity.... you get the drift. This was hard. My entire body shook like a nervous school girl the whole time. I was fighting back the pit in my throat and the flood gate of hell in the form of tears after every word. Took me 12 minutes I think. (I write too much, clearly). Then, the most unbelievable thing happened... they were all in tears. They were all standing and clapping and crying... for me. A small but mighty standing ovation for my words, my spewed thoughts in the form of a blog post that I shamefully question why I even write every time I write something. This is living. This is who I am.
I was afraid yet courageous. I did not let fear stop me but instead drive me. I found out that day that your biggest fears are often masks for your biggest dreams. Find the fear. Feel it and face it. There will be one of your greatest life gifts right on the other side of it.
So, that brings me to the closing of this year. I made mistakes. A lot of them this year. I also felt more alive and like myself than I have in a long time. I'm still learning how to let go. How to be who I am all the time. It'll be a lifelong journey but I finally catch myself when I start to treat myself like my worst enemy. I notice my insecurities and try hard to share them, learn from them, talk about them and confront them. I am not defined by my weaknesses but driven by my strengths. We are all imperfect. We will always be. We were born this way. We will die that way. Though if we're willing to dance the rapids in life, live as bravely and courageously as our beating hearts will allow... we will live. We will do it all. We will not look back and say "I wished I would have... " I am grateful for all the mistakes, the learning, all the love and care I was given from others when I wouldn't give it to myself and most importantly this new awareness of my heart. It beats. I keep living. I want it all. I want this life to be fully lived for you, for me and for all those who touch our lives each day. Cheers 2014!
Comments
Post a Comment