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The Fear of Forever

It seems so hypocritical of me to be so afraid of something I’ve wanted so badly for most of my life. Since I can remember I dreamed of having a husband, a life partner and someone to “have my back” when I needed it most. I’ve spent most of my adolescent and adult years not really feeling that support system, sure I’ve had amazing family and friends, but it’s different when there’s someone choosing to love you that isn’t a blood relative or someone who’s known you from an early age… someone who loves you for who you are now and not just what you were before all the chaos and traumatic life events. Someone who’s chosen the proverbial broken version of yourself you are today… I say that lightly because I know I’m whole, probably more complete than I’ve ever been but only because I have both joy and pain, the scars, the chaos, the hurt, the loss, the love, the excitement, the accomplishments… they are all part of the wholeness in my life now. I may not   have seen it that way just a few
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An Unfortunate and Necessary Gift

Have you ever lost someone that was important to you? Someone critical and essential to life as you knew it?  What did you notice about the moment when that relationship was severed abruptly or maybe it dissolved slowly?  How did it impact you? How did you recover? Did you recover?  What is life like now that you've experienced that loss? What do you want life to be like now that you've experienced it? I've had loss, but I’m not sure I deliberately chose recovery as much as I chose to live through it, because life goes on or the living just keep living, right?  I've become comfortable with loss to the point I expect it because it’s always lurking just around the corner.  As a well behaved self-fulfilling prophesy would do, I start to create the sense of loss at times, even if it doesn't exist. The crafty self-fulfilling snarky little voice whispers “Told you! I knew it was coming, always does. See!?!”  Crazy, I know. At least I then get to tell myself that I k
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This is Life

Yet another year is preparing to close the door to the most recent chapter of this book of life. All I can do is wonder, how do we really pass our time? The years go faster, the hours become days, weeks then months have disappeared in our rearview mirror without much awareness of where our precious moments have gone. My moments are so precious. There's never enough time, but why do I continue to let it pass so absent mindedly? Without intention and purpose, it just fades into history.  I was reminded in an abrupt jolt having lost yet another family member unexpectedly. Death is waiting for all of us. It's the one truth I know about life. I've had so many of these reminders, yet I fall victim to the fleeting hours of the days and the "normal" routine that I too forget to stand fully present in the moments, the memories that will soon be forgotten and the meaning behind this one and only life. It was supposed to be the year. I'd started making some shifts, got
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All About The F Word

I feel complete and utter dread at the moment. It has taken me almost a year to put words to this and months since I made a promise in front of a room full of people that I wouldn’t chicken out on sharing this. I can’t be a hypocrite. I expect others to be courageous. Lead effectively, authentically and deliberately. But I’ve still been hiding out. Scared even. Feeling sort of like nothing good can come from this, sky is falling, walls are closing in, lungs are collapsing…. kind of like how I imagine I would feel walking into a crowd of people with your skirt tucked into your underwear and no one telling you for at least 10 steps into the crowded room (of course, this hypothetical room is filled with highly eligible bachelors too. Just my luck)! Okay, enough make-believe, you get the point. I’m incredibly uncomfortable. And if I had a bunch of money I would bet that I will be seething with embarrassment if I post... when I post this. Now I am even more uncomfortable because now I just
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No Longer Dating...I'm Committed

A few months ago, I was standing in front of Life's next step with a mouth piece and boxing gloves. Ready to open my trench coat and bare all the naked parts inside... I was ready to take a few jabs, get a few bruises and dust myself off after the judgment set in. The dust has settled. I’ve learned that no one was fighting back but me. I was my own judgment. Now, my journey continues and I’m thinking about commitment more than I ever have before. What’s it like to take on this forever kind of a dedication to a goal, a person, a lifestyle, a dream,... it's an all in kind of a feeling. The kind of feeling that, quite honestly, makes me want to lace up my tennis shoes, open the door and run as far away as fast as possible in the opposite direction. Am I willing to put myself out there, to be all in ? Then, ( gasp ), tell the world what I really want and relentlessly and authentically pursue it! Do I want that kind of accountability? For them (you know I mean you, my dear reade
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My Journey and Naked Truth

Ever feel that pressure in your chest? The tightness of the air in your lungs? The pit in your stomach?   It’s difficult to decipher if you want to yell, scream, run, cry or laugh hysterically and uncontrollably. I’m not sure what this feeling or emotion is and maybe there’s not just one emotion. It is possible when this happens that your body is being high jacked by a collaboration and culmination of a bunch of feelings fighting for which one is most real. Feeling real emotion. Now, that’s something. For me, it’s time to feel. It’s time to be real. It’s time to open up. It is time to live. It’s time to love. I have avoided every single second of these feelings and this realizing for approximately 15 years, 3 months, 29 days, 31 hours and 56 seconds OR, more simply, 483,913,916 seconds. That’s a long time. Especially a long time not to feel what you feel or express real, true, authenticity within yourself and others. The best parts of me have been comfortably protected behind a tita
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Something New and Real

So, I've been thinking about starting a blog for a long time. Some ask me why, others can't believe I haven't done it yet. The thing is, I'm generally a pretty private person.. only want others to know what's on the surface or what I feel like telling them. I've recently learned it's a protective quality and it's not good. I'm really a pretty great person if I say so, but my reservation and distance might be easily mistaken as cold, lonely, sad, or pathetic. See how quickly I can spin into a ultra beotch?! Well, here we are it's 2012 and I'm finally, in my mind, almost "back to normal" after about a 15 year hiatus. I'm looking forward to sharing life as I know it with those I love the most. What I know today is the time, determination, family and friendship are what have held me together as I glued back the parts on my own. No one can do it for you, but you need them there to hand you the parts, daily reminders that you are whol
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